Tag: suffering

Mindful Communication: The Gift of Wise Speech

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The Buddha singled out wise speech as one of the important factors for awakening. It is part of the eight fold path, leading to the cessation of suffering and the realization of self-awakening. Like other parts of the path, wise speech requires effort, mindfulness and spiritual wisdom on our part to avoid harming others as well as ourselves. It is one of the most profound practices we can undertake off the meditation cushion and one of the greatest gifts we can give others. As Joseph Goldstein writes, “The care it takes to avoid harmful speech creates a vast playing field of mindfulness in our daily lives.”

Wise speech is rooted in learning to avoid four unwholesome verbal actions that cause harm to others and ourselves. These are lying (false speech), using harsh or aggressive language, divisive speech (backbiting and gossiping) and frivolous (or useless) conversation. Or put in positive terms, wise speech means speaking in ways that are trustworthy, comforting, harmonious, and worth taking to heart. When we practice these positive forms of speech, our words become a gift to others. The benefit of this practice is that people are more likely to listen to you and respond in kind.

One way to practice wise speech is to listen to our internal monologue. What is the tone of voice we use within our mind? Do we have a tendency to build ourselves up or put ourselves down? How often do we complain, compare, and judge ourselves? It is likely that your internal and external talk run in parallel tracks, so if we can hear and improve our internal monologue, it will help us hear and improve the way that we speak with others.

The more we practice wise speech, the more we see that the way we act shapes our experience and the world around us. If we can take some time to investigate the feelings behind our words, we may begin to uncover hidden or confused motives behind our speech. Self-righteous words may be a cover for anger. Angry words may be a cover for fear. Gossiping may be an attempt to try and reaffirm and strengthen our feelings of self-worth. Sometimes we engage in frivolous banter to cover up a feeling of unworthiness or a need for approval.

The point of practicing wise speech, however, is not to beat ourselves up. As meditation instructor Dr. Shahara Godfrey states in an interview published on Spirit Rock’s website, “the whole point is that the practice gives us the opportunity to try again and again. And we will make mistakes. Yet, how can we be kind to ourselves in a moment when we know we have made a mistake? I think the beauty of the practice is that we get an opportunity to practice Wise Speech over and over again with so many different people and in so many different situations.”

Exercises for Practicing Wise Speech

Here are two exercises that you might find useful for cultivating wise speech in your daily life.

Say Only What It True and Helpful: A succinct summary of wise speech in the Buddha’s words could be paraphrased as “say only what is true and helpful.”  With this in mind, see if you’d like to pick one day a week (or month) to focus on speaking only words that to the best of your knowledge are truthful and beneficial to those on the receiving end of your words. This requires mindfulness to see what is really true for us in the moment. Unless we are aware of our true experience, it is hard to be truthful in our speech.

Give Up Gossip: Choose a time period of perhaps a day or a week.  Then commit to not saying anything about other people unless they are in your presence. Whenever you find yourself tempted to gossip, try to recognize the underlying motive.

For each of these exercises take some time at the end of the day to reflect on your experience.  Notice the sense of integrity and strength that comes from holding to the truth, treating people with respect, and refusing to succumb to hurtful talk. Also notice when you have temptations to stretch the truth or gossip. See if you can discern some of the hidden agendas behind these impulses. The point of these exercises isn’t to criticize ourselves, but to simply notice what words arise out of our mouths and investigate the subtle motives behind them. This is an opportunity to attend to the habitual emotions or thoughts that may block us from using our words in a more truthful and harmonious manner.

With practice, our speech can grow wiser and our hearts become lighter. We begin to see the suffering that unmindful speech causes ourselves and those around us. We see how unmindful listening creates a feeling of separation between us and others, and constricts our heart. As our speech becomes more mindful, compassionate and kind, we will sense greater harmony in our lives and promote greater peace among all beings in this world.

Judgment vs. Discernment: Moving From Preferences to Wisdom

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When I first began practicing mindfulness meditation, I was surprised by the constant chatter of thoughts running through my head. What I found most disturbing about all this noise was that the majority of my thoughts were full of self-judgment, criticism and doubt. My first inclination was to try and stop these voices, or at least to ignore them. But the more I tried to do suppress them, the louder they became and the worse I felt when they inevitably reappeared.

Feeling discomfort with the judging mind is not uncommon. We come to meditation hoping to get relief from our distress and end up feeling more distress when we actually start to become aware of our thoughts. We’re taught that mindfulness involves cultivating non-judgmental awareness of what’s happening in the present moment, and yet here we sit full of judgment. I believe that part of our confusion around working with judgments comes from our western tendency to see the world in terms of duality – to judge our thoughts and experiences as right or wrong, good or bad, smart or dumb, etc. By seeing our judging minds as something negative, we take our judgments personally and see them as a reflection of ourselves.

It is not that all judgments are bad.  There are general agreements about what’s right and wrong, such as not harming others and not stealing. Such agreements are important for us as social beings to function as a society.  So there is a place for judgment. Often, however, we artificially make up these categories of good vs bad on the basis of our own likes and dislikes, as a way to navigate through the world. We divide things up politically, religiously, socially, racially, etc. and conclude that those in my camp are right and those in the other are wrong. When something falls outside what we deem acceptable, we judge it harshly. When it falls within that shifting structure of acceptability, we judge it positively. This goes for our critiques of the outside world as well as our thoughts about ourselves.

Our judgments about how things should be often exacerbates our suffering. For example in considering our relationship with our parents, if you still feel anger towards them that you haven’t worked out, you may have a lot of judgment around that anger. You may feel that having anger at your parents is clearly wrong. The judgment you have around this anger will itself cause you to suffer, perhaps dearly, because you feel so strongly that anger shouldn’t be here. But the truth is, it is here.

There is a Buddhist teaching attributed to the Chinese Zen patriarch Jianzhi Sengcan call Faith – Mind that opens with the lines “The great way [towards liberation] is not difficult for those who have no preferences. Like not, dislike not. Be illuminated.”  You could say, this is true of judgment. When we can suspend good and bad, high and low, all we’re left with are arbitrary divisions of life.  When we can just see these division as the way things are, we begin to develop true wisdom. This is the realm of discernment.

When we move from judgment to discernment our view changes. With discernment we begin to investigate and know what thoughts, feeling, or actions lead to happiness and what leads to suffering. The point is to try and wake up to what is suffering, what does it feel like, and to begin to see what leads to suffering. Also, what is real happiness (not what we think is happiness) and what leads to happiness. It is through discernment that we begin to know these things on a felt, experiential level.  Judgment does not have this ability to do this.

To see the difference, consider the following example.  You’ve just eaten a nice meal. Maybe you’re a little full, and you see there’s cake for dessert. Judgment goes cake – “good.” Then judgment goes, no I shouldn’t eat that cake, I’m already full, it will break my diet. Eating that cake is “bad.”

Discernment goes, cake, hum, mindfulness – I think I’d like that cake. Desire that’s the mind. Let’s now check in with the body. How’s the body feeling? How’s the stomach feeling? Ugh, kind of full and uncomfortable. What’s it going to be like if I eat that cake? More likely my stomach will be much more uncomfortable, very unpleasant.

The difference is that it’s not right or wrong. Discernment just knows that eating this cake is going to lead to suffering. This is much different than thinking I am a bad person if I eat that cake.

As our mindfulness practice deepens, we want to come more and more from discernment and less and less from judgment. Discernment starts with the suffering we find ourselves in, allowing us to see how our attachments are its fundamental cause, and then provides us the space to let go. Overtime, we learn to let go of our attachments through insight, by seeing into their impermanent nature and their inability to provide any kind of lasting satisfaction.

As our discernment grows, we gain the ability to grasp, comprehend, and evaluate clearly the true nature of ourselves. We begin to wake up to what is suffering and what leads to suffering in our lives. We gain insight into what is real happiness and what leads to happiness. Judgement does not have this ability to know this because it is concerned with protecting, supporting, or compensating for the ego. With discernment, we are no longer so concerned about protecting the ego. Instead we turn towards the difficulties in our lives with curiosity and compassion. Overtime, this honest turning towards the way things are provides us with the insights that propel us toward greater wisdom.

Car Alarm Lovingkindness

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As I move through my daily life, I know that one of my motivations to stay steadfast in my practice is to support my capacity to respond to the moments of everyday life with more patience, wisdom and care. I have the direct experience of how my practice lessons my suffering and, thus, the suffering of those whom I come in contact with throughout the day. I also know that I am practicing for the inevitable moments when the alarm bells will ring.

I had just one of those “alarm bell” moments recently: While at the gym, relaxed in the let-it-all-go end-of-yoga-class resting pose, I heard my name and “please come to the front desk” ring down the hall. Before I could get there, front desk staff found and informed me that my car had been broken into in the parking lot. My purse was in the trunk.

Fortunately, though my trunk was opened, somehow my purse wasn’t stolen, I was able to quickly change out my bank accounts, and everything turned out fine. What was challenging was my internal experience– a nervous system kicked into survival mode despite a false alarm.

On the day of the event and in the days following, the seeds I’d planted (over years) in my lovingkindness practice produced fruits that lessened my suffering. I had compassion for myself and, on a day following the event, in a moment when I was acknowledging the suffering of the man who broke into my car and sending him well-wishes for healing and peace, the fear running through my mind and body dropped– we were both human beings experiencing suffering, both human beings wanting healing and peace. It was all ok. This level of ease did not last, as a nervous system calms down in its own time, but that moment of no longer experiencing the man who broke into my car as “other” set my mind/heart free. This is the healing power of lovingkindness.

How might our lives change if we were to cultivate the capacity to turn unconditional friendliness, unobstructed well-wishes toward ourselves throughout our daily life? How might this lovingkindness towards our own being then ripple out towards others? Surely, we will each have multitudes of opportunities to inquire, to receive and know our direct experience, as we continue to walk our path.

May all beings be well.

May all beings know healing and peace.